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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25878961">Queer Eye For The Old Guard</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybeanieandme/pseuds/mybeanieandme'>mybeanieandme</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF, The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cooking, Drinking, I love Nile, M/M, Makeover, Nicky and Joe share clothes, therapy for booker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:35:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25878961</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybeanieandme/pseuds/mybeanieandme</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe submits Nicky's name for a Queer Eye makeover.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>194</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Queer Eye For The Old Guard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/averytree/gifts">averytree</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I just thought it would be funny because they're both on Netflix. It's tongue in cheek and played straight (gay.) </p><p>This fic is written like I used to write them in high school. What a throw back this format is.... </p><p>Anyway hope you like it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The fab 5 rolling up, it’s a long country road just outside of Paris.</p><p>Karamo is driving: who are we making over today gang?<br/>
Tan, in the passenger seat: today we’ve got Nicky Di Genova-!<br/>
Jonathan, sitting behind Karamo: OOOO! So Italian I love it!<br/>
Antoni, in the middle seat: Molto bene!<br/>
Tan: He’s 951 years old- he’s been married for nearly 900 of those years-<br/>
The whole car: Awwww!<br/>
Jonathan: Get that commitment, huny!<br/>
Tan: He was nominated by his husband Joe-</p><p>Scene of Joe from their iPad:<br/>
Joe: I wanted to nominate Nicky because he really does so much for all of us and needs to take more time for himself </p><p>Jonathan: Joe is a cutie look at him! Fierce beard.<br/>
Tan: They’re currently living with their family in an abandoned church!<br/>
Bobby: Guess I have my work cut out for me!</p><p>The fab five arrive at the church, the old guard are enjoying their dinner, Nile seems most excited of all to see them. </p><p>Nile, standing up to hug everyone: Oh my god you’re actually here! </p><p>Cut to scene of Nile’s individual interview:<br/>
Nile: When Joe said he wanted to nominate Nicky, I tried to tell him we should pick Booker. But it’s exciting to meet Karamo all the same. </p><p>They’ve broken into small groups, milling about different parts of the house. </p><p>We find Joe and Antoni in the kitchen.<br/>
Antoni, he’s completely baffled by how delicious the food looks: Wow this- dinner looks so professional- who is the cook?<br/>
Joe: That’s my Nicky, he’s always cooking for us.<br/>
Antoni: Always always?<br/>
Joe: It’s how he likes to relax.<br/>
Antoni: Shall we take a look in the fridge?<br/>
Joe: I wouldn’t-<br/>
Antoni, opening the fridge and cringing as everything in their is completely moldy, he coughs at the smell.<br/>
Joe: We just buy fresh things for every meal everyday-</p><p>Bobby and Andy are in the church sanctuary sitting.<br/>
Bobby: So what drew you all to this space?<br/>
Andy: It was abandoned.<br/>
Bobby, nodding along: I’m getting a sense that you all need to feel secure<br/>
Andy, nods: Yes, it’s nice to have places like this to come back to. </p><p>Cut to Bobby talking straight to camera:<br/>
Bobby: I’m not going to lie, it’s a daunting task, but I would love to give these folks a space where they can really get away from the rest of the world. Andy hasn’t said much but she feels like an old soul- so maybe that’s why they’re so drawn to this church. I want to try to incorporate a sense of history into the design. </p><p>Karamo is with Booker still sitting at the dining room table.<br/>
Karamo, he’s leaning forward, eyes soft and warm as he looks at Booker: Hey there, Booker, I’m Karamo.<br/>
Booker, sipping his cognac: Karamo. What are you here to help Nicky do exactly?<br/>
Karamo: Well I’m officially the “culture expert” whatever that’s supposed to mean- but I’m here to help people connect on a deeper emotional level.<br/>
Booker reaches for the bottle of cognac and drinks directly from it<br/>
Karamo, nodding his head slowly as he clenches his jaw: I think maybe you and I should spend some time together this week.</p><p>Cut to Karamo talking straight to the camera:<br/>
Karamo: I know we’re here for Nicky but Booker is not well. Not to sound like Jonathan but that man has a raincloud above his head- scratch that- he’s got his own goddamn weather pattern. He needs some serious help. </p><p>We find Tan and Nicky where all of the beds are:<br/>
Tan: So this is where everyone sleeps?<br/>
Nicky: Si- it’s the easiest place to defend.<br/>
Tan: And you don’t have a closet at all?<br/>
Nicky, pulls out the duffle bag that contains his and joe’s three outfits: This is as close as we get<br/>
Tan, gesturing for the bag: May I?<br/>
Nicky, nearly hands the bag over but unzips it first, pulling out an assortment of handguns and a knife before handing it over.<br/>
Tan: I’m getting a lot of neutrals here- is there a delineation of where your clothes start and your husbands end?<br/>
Nicky, shrugging: We tend not to share jeans but everything else is interchangeable at this point</p><p>Cut to Tan now addressing the camera:<br/>
Tan: To say that their clothing options are minimal is an understatement. I know that fighting crime and injustice needs to be stealthy, but you can do a subtle print, I promise. </p><p>Jonathan and Nile are in the bathroom looking at the products or lack thereof.<br/>
Jonathan: You seem to be the only one with any bottles of anything here.<br/>
Nile: I try to keep my skin moisturized. Being nearly immortal isn’t an excuse to not take care of yourself<br/>
Jonathan: Too true! If anything we have to take even better care of our skin if we’re going to be living forever. </p><p>Tan and Nicky peek their heads in and Jonathan beckons them in.<br/>
Jonathan: Hey, Tan! You brought me Nicolo, hello!<br/>
Nicky: Nicky is fine, please.<br/>
Jonathan, hands already poised: Alright, Nicky, I’m going to touch your hair<br/>
Jonathan does so, getting a feel for the texture: Silky- little gritty- what’s your hair usually like? Oily? Dry scalp?<br/>
Nicky: Covered in blood</p><p>Cut to Nicky talking directly to the camera:<br/>
Nicky: Sometimes there is brain matter. But mostly it is blood. Nile has complained we have used all of her shampoo.</p><p>Cut to Nile:<br/>
Nile: I’m going to murder all of them in their sleep.</p><p>Cut to Nicky:<br/>
Nicky: While it is not an empty threat, we are less concerned- plus I have already replaced the bottle with a new one under the sink. No one else has thought to look there.</p><p>Jonathan is leaning on the counter still playing with Nicky’s hair.<br/>
Jonathan: I noticed you don’t have any grooming products in the bathroom- are there any you prefer?<br/>
Nicky: There is soap we buy whenever we are in Rome- Joe especially loves the smell. But we do not often travel through there. </p><p>Cut to Jonathan:<br/>
Jonathan: I think it’s time introduce this frequent traveler to the travel size bottles.</p><p>We’re at a Salon with Jonathan, Nicky and Joe.<br/>
Jonathan is diligently cutting Nicky’s hair while Joe watches: Usually we like to have a big couples reveal with the makeover but I just had to bring you along so I could hear the story. You two are too cute! So what’s the scoop? How did you two meet?<br/>
Joe: Nicky and I met in the crusades- we were on opposite sides.<br/>
Jonathan: Forbidden romance!! Very Romeo and Juliet.<br/>
Nicky, laughing: With the death and everything.<br/>
Jonathan: And when you got married who proposed to who?<br/>
Nicky and Joe share a glance.<br/>
Joe: It was Nicky the first time- we’ve sort of traded off since then<br/>
Jonathan, hand over mouth: Oh my god you renew your vows by reproposing?</p><p>Cut to Joe and Nicky sitting together:<br/>
Joe: We get married every once in a while again to keep it fresh.<br/>
Nicky: It is his turn to pick- we were trying to hit every continent but global warming has changed that.</p><p>Nicky stares directly into the camera like a very disappointed dad.</p><p>Jonathan: You’re all done! </p><p>Jonathan swings Nicky around to reveal his brand new look. Joe is absolutely beaming.<br/>
Nicky: Wow! I actually really like it!<br/>
Jonathan: You sound so surprised- okay now we just need one product- it’s a leave in conditioner- it’ll help that blood wash right out and keep the moisture IN!<br/>
Nicky, smiling at Joe smiling at him: You like it?<br/>
Joe: Assolutamente bellissimo!<br/>
Jonathan, grinning: AW! ITALIAN!</p><p>Tan arrives with some garment bags.<br/>
Tan: Hello! Oh my what a treat! A brand new haircut and a husband! It’s time to come with me Mr. Di Genova!<br/>
Nicky, stands to join Tan: Where are we going?<br/>
Tan, taking his hand and guiding him to the back: New clothes! While your husband gets a facial.<br/>
Joe: I’m sorry, what?<br/>
Jonathan, patting the salon chair: Let’s moisturize that glorious beard!</p><p>Cut to Karamo bringing Booker to a distillery. They meet the owner, Karamo has arranged a tasting.</p><p>Booker: If you wanted to drink we could have just stayed- at the church<br/>
Karamo: We could have but I thought you might like to learn the history of what you’re drinking.<br/>
Booker, chuckles a little coldly: I don’t need to know the history to know it tastes good.<br/>
Karamo, laughing: That’s true, but I think it sometimes helps to put things into perspective. </p><p>Someone brings a tasting menu out of a bunch of different cognacs. They work their way from most recent to the oldest. Booker actually seems somewhat interested in this information he is learning. The last sample is delicious.</p><p>Karamo: Smooth right?<br/>
Booker, savoring the flavor: Yes, it was genuinely good.<br/>
Karamo: Good! Now would you believe that cognac is older than you are?<br/>
Booker frowns deeply and stares at his half empty glass.<br/>
Karamo: This was distilled in 1701- the oak casks they aged it in were near a fire so that smokiness you taste is a three hundred year old fire.<br/>
Booker actually seems a little touched at this, all this trouble for what had to be a €50,000 sip.<br/>
Karamo: Sometimes terrible things happen in the past but they can bring new and wonderful things. Your friend Andy said you took losing your kids really hard. I’m a father myself and I can’t imagine losing a child- or the guilt you feel as you continue in life’s endless succession of days. But you and your team are really making cognac out of a bad fire, Sebastian. That’s something to be proud of.<br/>
Booker is ugly crying into his expensive cognac.</p><p>Cut to Karamo to the camera:<br/>
Karamo: Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just be there and say “I see you, friend.”</p><p>Speaking of Andy, she is back at the church helping Bobby paint of all things. They’re in the kitchen.<br/>
Bobby: You think Nicky will like the color?<br/>
Andy: He’ll love the color. Warm browns always remind him of Joe. He could talk about it literally forever.<br/>
Bobby, laughing jovially: You all seem like a really sweet family.<br/>
Andy smiles then, really smiles for the first time since they’d been there.</p><p>Cut to Bobby direct to camera:<br/>
Bobby, making a “score one for me” motion with his arm: I got a whole smile out of her! Also oh my god she’s the best painter I’ve ever met in my life. The precision. Immaculate.</p><p>Nicky is trying the clothes that Tan brought him, various t shirts, jeans, and lightly patterned button downs.<br/>
Nicky: I am so used to modern clothing not giving you the breathing room to move your arms like this<br/>
Tan: See? The joy of a tailor. That looks absolutely perfect on you! Do you think Joe will like it?<br/>
Nicky: He will like taking it off I am sure.<br/>
Tan, laughing: Oh you are secretly quite scandalous! It’s always the quiet ones.</p><p>Joe and Jonathan are back at the house, the kitchen is finished and they are helping Antoni and Nile cook dinner for that evening.<br/>
Antoni: See? It’s not that hard and you are super smart!<br/>
Nile: I’m definitely starting to see what Nicky likes so much about it!<br/>
Joe, smiling at her: He does enjoy the challenge. But he also loves the community of bringing people around the table.<br/>
Antoni: Aw, I love that! That is what food does.<br/>
Jonathan, absolutely just tasting everything they’re making: You all are THE cutest family.<br/>
Antoni: Do you think Nicky will like his homemade raviolis?<br/>
Nile: I think he will<br/>
Jonathan: I will come eat them all if he doesn’t.</p><p>They all laugh.</p><p>Everyone is gathered in the kitchen for snacking on ravioli when Nicky is brought in with his brand new haircut and brand new Look (TM) Nile is FLOORED, Joe is is definitely already undressing him with his eyes, Andy looks contented, and Booker, isn’t holding booze for once. Oh- no wait there it is.</p><p>Nile’s reaction straight to camera:<br/>
Nile: WOW! I get it now- I know this is weird to say because he’s like a father figure now but. Nicky is hot under that dad haircut from 1978. I get it, Joe.</p><p>Joe’s reaction straight to camera:<br/>
Joe: God my husband is a pretty man. You could dress him in a burlap sack and he’d still be sexy though. I have seen him wear one- 1483. Drop dead gorgeous I swear. </p><p>We’re back among them as they’re celebrating. Jonathan pulls Nicky and Joe aside for a moment to give them small presents. Two small grooming kits.</p><p>Jonathan: Now I’ve had your initials embossed on the sides- these are real leather so they should last the rest of time just like you two and your beautiful love.<br/>
Joe, inhaling deeply: This is- Roman soap.<br/>
Jonathan: I tracked down the soap you both love and it turns out they have a monthly subscription you can sign up for. You can stop and start anytime which I know is important with your hectic lifestyle.</p><p>The Fab Five leave, onto their next makeover. </p><p>The Old Guard sit down once more for a good home cooked meal.<br/>
Nicky: This is delicious, thank you all.<br/>
Nile: It was no real trouble. Cooking is fun- I was wondering if you might teach me a few things?<br/>
Nicky: I’d be happy to.<br/>
Joe and Nicky share a fond look.<br/>
Andy: Bobby even cleaned the refrigerator out.<br/>
Nicky: NO! REALLY?! Truly a saint!<br/>
He stands up immediately to look in the fridge. There is actual food in there. He swears in Italian, before returning to the table. They eat in an amicable silence until Nicky speaks again.<br/>
Nicky: Booker- you are especially quiet this evening if you don’t mind me saying.<br/>
Booker shakes his head: No, I don’t mind. I am just feeling reflective is all.<br/>
Andy looks at him with great sympathy, knowing how dangerous a game that is.<br/>
Booker: I don’t know what it is about dinner tonight but it’s really delicious, guys.<br/>
Joe, raising his glass in a toast: I’ll drink to that. Everyone touches their glasses in, even Booker.<br/>
Andy: За нашу дружбy!</p><p>They drink, to friendship and found family.</p>
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